Pulpy pugs and ruler'ed spinal cords

(Random sound effect) Haha, I started it with a random sound effect without starting it with a random sound effect. I'm genius. I noticed that I have started a lot of my blogs so far with 'argh' or something like that. 'Tis not good, 'tis not good at all. Also, I noticed that I say 'anyway' a lot. I say one more word a lot, but I don't remember what it was.

Anyway… [<- herherher (to use one of my sister's words.)] Ooh brackets, real nice (*right click 'herherher', left click add to dictionary). Sorry, I absolutely positively had to do that, or else the Perpetual Pugs would've scored (we are playing soccer/fütbol/shark-bandana-obstacle-course-Muslim-beanbag-toss). What? They scored anyway? Well aren't they the sneakiest little critters.

Crit·ter [krittər](crit·ters)

Living thing

a living thing, especially an animal

(Informal or regional)

• That dog was a funny old critter (or in this case, it was VERY, VERY SNEAKY!!)

Today I have been doing everything at 300% speed and 25% accuracy, so I decided that as long as I was actually saying things that were six-seventeenths funny, I might as well write this do this. Also with me not posting next week, I absolutely positively have to do it.

Crap. They scored again.

This blog might be harder to read than others, and also might be cheating since I have so many tiny paragraphs. I DON'T CARE… bear. What? What? No you first. Ok… wait what?

Halp me I am stuck in a trap of writing lots about nothing. I probably could sit her for hours and type pages that say nothing at all. *Halp added to dictionary. I don't have time to sit here for hours though. I have cheat codes for Portal and Half Life 2 that I want to test. I cannot wait.

Teehee, I said 'cannot'.

Pulpy is a weird word, with a weird definition. Google defines pulpy as, well first of all it's an adjective, but its definition is this. NO, not the word 'this', the thirty-one words that directly follow after the next semicolon (semicolon just for the smack of it); 1. Like a pulp or overripe; not having stiffness and 2. Having the characteristics of pulp; having the characteristics of pulp fiction; thus, having a garish focus on sex and violence.

Hmmm. It went from deliciously sweet tasting but stupidly textured orange poop into sex and violence. How bad are things in this world that you cannot even discuss orange pulp without some Google worker coming up to you and changing the subject of your conversation for the worse. We should cause all of them to faint and then destroy all of the poke' centers so they can't be healed by annoying nurses with pink hair. Those Google workers and their Google maps cars, stealing your privacy AND your ice cream with the same hand. Man, hat Ticks me off almost as much as it Tocks me off.

Tocks: T-shaped socks for people with lonely feet. I made that up myself, in fact, I'm going to print that off and throw it away. Then do it again. I will then repeat it until the computer room supervisor dude throws a cleverly hidden ruler into my spinal cord from across the room.

That's probably not a good idea. I'll get Krieger to try it out. Now THAT is a good idea. I'm going to do that right now. Hold on one minute.

…

Yep, it happened exactly how I predicted it to, except the computer room guy threw it after only thirteen sheets thrown away. That was much faster than the predicted forty-five. Ew, Krieger is getting blood on the floor. Crap, this time, Krieger can't clean it up! WHO WILL DO THE WORK??

"This looks like a job for, Super-hero-with-about-forty-five-different-numbers-and-letters-on-his-costume (it's also blue)!!"

Wait, he does murder scene clean up? Well, that doesn't matter as long as I don't have to do it. At least he works for minimum wage. I'm happy to say we don't actually treat Krieger that bad. We clean up our own messes, no matter what type of bodily fluid it is!

MPREKDiYANTOS. That means 'goodbye for now' in munya, my sister's language.

MPREKDiYANTOS and munya were both obviously added to dictionary.

Matt and the Cake

Ahh. It’s been three days since I have written anything. I totally forgot how to write the letter ‘B’. I figured it out though it out though, see? B. Haha, I did it.

On another note of write-ability before I get to the main topic, my friend Matt, bought a cake. A care bear themed cake. Well oblivious to me, it’s weird to buy a cake not on a birthday. Someone said that in my room, I’m not sure who though. This depresses me. Cake is delicious, and I don’t see any reason not to eat it for no reason, which by the way, is exactly what has Matt done. I’m proud of you Matt.
Wow. I just interrupted my interruption. How can I do that? As a matter of fact, how can anyone do anything—Wait Eric, don’t interrupt the interruption of the interruption! Bad things will happen! Too late, my nose is gone. Actually, I’m pretty sure—woa, Oscar Pretzel is gone. Mmmm, Hersheys. Crap. My leg.
ANYWAY, Matt bought a cake.

(Silence) Yep. That’s it. Naw, actually there’s more. On the cake there was a flat care bear face made out of plastic. He took it off the cake, and began licking the frosting off the back, like any normal person would do. Frosting is good, you can’t just waste it. Well, while he was licking, all of a sudden, thin red streaks appeared on the plastic.

YOU ARE NOW FREAKED OUT.

Anyway, he had cut his tongue on the sharp edge of the plastic without knowing. Painless cut, very little blood, no big deal. Good thing it was not a dinosaur themed cake, with a plastic dinosaur face on it, or else Petoskey would have been thrown into the wall by blood. He’d be standing right in the way too, I’d bet money on it.
The two contractions that I used in the previous sentence (for you lazy people; he’d and I’d) are very efficient as contractions go. Not like stupid ‘its’, which takes out an ‘I’, and replaces it with an apostrophe that’s basically two-thirds of the letter ‘I’ anyway. Who invented these? They’re stupid. Haha, I used a contraction to say that contractions are stupid. If this were a big enough blog, I would put that on a shirt and you would buy it. It would say ‘Contractions’ in big letters, and then ‘They’re Stupid’ in smaller letters below it. I think that would be pretty cool.

On another topic involving punctuation, I always want to use semi-colons (because they are half a colon), but they rarely come up. Sad face.
Now for my main topic… ok never mind (phew, I almost wrote ‘nvm’), my Brain told me that I am not allowed to write about that topic. It gave me a spanking for even thinking about it. I guess Matt and his cake changed to the main topic.
I don’t have much written in this one so I will tell you a story.
Every Christmas Eve., my family and I wake up at 4:00 in the morning, play tetris, actually put the suitcases in the back of the van, and smash ourselves in there too. Where are you going you ask? Why are you traveling on Christmas Eve.? The answer to both of those questions is none of your business.

Just kidding. We are going to travel to Minnesota to spend Christmas with my Grandma and Grandpa. The trip usually takes all day, but we’ve been on so many of these trips that we’re experts at it. All you have to do is sit, wait, and occasionally complain or shove a McDonalds burger down your throat (Don’t get your hand caught!). We usually make it in time for supper, and we greet each other, hugs, happy grunts, you know how it goes. But two years ago, this cheerful greeting did not happen. Well, not right away at least.

It started when we pulled into this gas station/restaurant/truck stop/grassy field, and went in to use the bathroom. My dad filled the gas tank, we stared at all the toys that are really stupid, over priced, and fragile, we taunted an old man when he was trying to poop, y’know, the usual road trip bathroom break. Finally when we were ready to leave, my dad noticed that the car would not start. You probably know what’s going to happen now. To make a long story short, he stayed at that gas station/restaurant/truck stop/grassy field for six hours.

We occupied our time by playing the candy crane. We figured out how to get lots of candy. Basically, the crane lets you keep going until you get at least one piece of candy. But if you get something you don’t want, you can shake the machine to make it drop the candy. Then you get another turn because you didn’t get any candy. Using this concept, you can get a lot of candy by waiting until the claw is barely above the chute, then you shake it. The candy falls into the chute, but the claw doesn’t know that you got candy, so you get another turn. Haha.

Eventually uncle came and picked us up, pulling our car on a trailer behind us.

That story was way shorter than I meant it to be, but that’s ok.

Cannibals say that the Japanese taste the best.